Writer Jane Upton reflects on the ideas and feelings that helped shape her powerful Bruntwood Prize shortlisted play

I’ve often heard people lamenting “the village”. Knackered parents, on their knees, no doubt look up sometimes and wonder what happened to this commune that’s supposed to take the weight off when it all gets too much. But I wonder, in this age of individualism, whether “the village” can even exist.

Last week I came back from a very rare and restful two-week holiday with my whole family. Thirteen of us. We were all slightly wary before we went. Most people I spoke to stared at me open mouthed when I said we were about to attempt a fortnight together. In fact, it turned out to be some kind of utopia. Everyone chipped in with their own skills and strengths to help raise the five kids we share. But that was a holiday, with no domestic duties or office deadlines to pile on the pressure and push patience to its limits. 

In real life, many (if not most) parents are clinging onto sanity as they attempt to keep all the plates spinning. Empathy and understanding can often be thin on the ground. And everyone has their own way of doing things. So many of my friends moan about their mum’s trying to parent their kids in a way that’s contrary to their own. But for a village to work you have to compromise. Communal living doesn’t really work if each person pins up a schedule of nap times and specific ways to speak to their child. 

As a freelancer, it’s often occurred to me to build a rota with other freelance parents so we could take it in turns to do the childcare. But in all honesty, I don’t want to look after other people’s kids. The responsibility is big and other people’s kids are annoying. It’s not their fault, it’s just how it is. But I guess there comes a time as a freelancer that you have to create some kind of village to survive, mentally and financially. I’m lucky to have family close by but that’s because I’ve stayed in my hometown. If I could choose anywhere on the planet to reside, it wouldn’t be here. But my family is here and they are worth more than any big sky. They help me and my husband get through.

Do you have a village and if not, how do you cope?

For more on (the) Woman by Jane Upton click here